Je ne regrette rien

I spent 7 hours in the car on the way to visit my Mom and sister the other day.
At first I called everybody I could. Then I started listening to my I-pod on shuffle.
My thoughts wandered with the music. Beethoven reminded me of the movie Immortal Beloved.
Marvin Gaye and the Temptations and the Supremes brought up lots of feelings and reminders of
my college and Denver years. I have the sound track from Goodfellas and that takes me from
childhood through Layla and Eric Clapton. Then there is the powerful, rasp of Edith Piaf singing
"Non, je ne regrette rien" ("No, I regret nothing") from World War II and Tom Waits with his equally raspy voice
and his haunting, earthy laments and lyrics.
My emotions swooped up and down with these songs...is that not what the music is supposed to do?
I re-felt longings and sadness; the thrills of young love and the fears and sorrows of life alone and lonely.
Tears ran down my face with some of the words revisited or with the truth I now understand from those words:
"I regret nothing!!", "Where the boys are, someone waits for me", "Why can't you be good to me?", "You're simply the best",
"I'm a creep", "Everybody hurts", "I ain't that lonely yet"."When you're falling behind in this big blue world, you gotta hold on, take my hand, stand right there...", "Let's stay together", "Ain't no devil, it's just God when he's drunk";
and then there is the heart-throbbing music of the Promontory of The Last of the Mohicans and the theme from Lawrence of Arabia;
Nessun Dorma sung by Paul Potts, the theme from A Summer Place and all of Beethoven.

One of the overarching themes I noticed was how much I long for the "man" energy in the world. All the important men
in my life get thrown into a stew of dark brooding and simpering melodrama, starting with my Dad.
In looking back on my trip I found I could have sat in that maudlin place and spent hours feeling blue. I didn't. I had a comforting awareness I never really clarified before. This feeling of longing is so primal and not about
any man in particular, or rather it is about all men. It is all about me, grasping and needy.
No one person can ever fill the need...it is a "God-shaped hole".