Crying out loud

Walking around Chicago last week there were times when I cried: missing my brother Nick, Aunt Jane, Uncle Jake, my youthful anticipation for what was out ahead of me. Christmas has a unique charm and
drama that lays out a microcosm of memories, both good and bad, to be picked through and fondled like old toys or pressed flowers from lost loves. The fear is if you handle them too much they might turn to dust.
But what good are they if you never take them out of their hiding places. I love all of them. I don't hate any of it. It is as much a part of me as my gray hair and my wrinkled hands. None of it is gone but only wrapped up
inside of me to be redistributed through my heart and my love. Tears can flow for many reasons. Thank God for all of them.

Changes

I've spent the last three days in LA with my son, Chuck. He has been moving into his own place and I am able to help him with searching out what he needs and with the actual move and clean up of the old place. The new location is wonderful: a stand-alone guest house behind a house owned by a nice man and his wife. There is a yard with a gas grill and charming lighting and rose bushes. It has a washer and dryer, living room, bathroom, bedroom and small kitchen and it is in a great area right on a golf course and only a mile to his work! (And in LA that's a big deal.)

Discovering a nearly new pillowtop queen bed was left as well as some other furniture we didn't have to buy was a good start. I could see the possibilities right away and went into my usual mode of nesting. Chuck was all about removing all the "art", etc., left for his use that was totally unacceptable...a big vase with lots of big flowers, bad bed linens, wall art. But there were things he didn't realize could be turned to acceptable...a good, solid bookshelf with "hearts" carved into the sides and top that was eventually covered with a bamboo table runner to cover the hearts; a tall corner shelf unit with some damage on a couple of shelves that need moving and a couple of additions here and there,
a white chest with dings on top that also could be covered by a cool table runner and a great bowl. He had his own good ideas too, and saw that new lamp shades for
a couple of white ginger jar lamps could make them work and he liked the couch except that it needed covering. So our first stop at the new place was to put a bunch of stuff up in the attic and make a list for the first foray to collect what was needed to start the metamorphosis.

I spent several hours at Target getting some basics and scoping out the possibilities. This is right up my alley. Lamp shades, grass table runner, cool metal bowl, bed linens, throw pillows, a sofa cover, picture frames, bath towels, throw rugs were in the first load. Plus I found furniture for Chuck to see when he got out of work. We went back there together and decided on an end table, arm chair, ottoman and a couple of lamps.

Now we had to go to the old place and make a plan. We put the old queen mattress out over the fence behind the house for free to someone on Craig's list. Lifting it over the high fence was a bit tricky but it landed upright against the fence like we planned it! Hope someone takes it.
The next morning we went to a strip of thrift and antique stores with tons of possibilities. We found a gorgeous birch/upholstered arm chair in the window of a great store. I knew it was a great buy and then Chuck sat in it and loved it too. It has very strong lines and masculine fabric.
Then we found a cool dark metal floor lamp for $10! Checking out large area rugs, because he doesn't like the carpeting in the living room, we found a couple of possibilities on this street but
were going to come back when we got the chair to buy anything else.

We had only to get a van rented and load up the books and clothes and kitchen stuff left in the apartment as well as get any furniture and rugs we were buying.
A friend of Chuck, George, a big, gentle vegan musician, came to help with the heavy lifting. We went to the old place and loaded up everything heavy and large: bicycle, trunks, boxes of books, hanging clothes. I had done some recon at Target before hand and had them hold a leather arm chair and round leather ottoman/coffee table but now that we found the wonderful retro birch chair we only wanted the ottoman. We dashed through the store with Chuck making decisions left and right under a deadline of returning the van by 8pm and dropping George off before that. As we checked out, the delightful cashier told us of a promotion giving us $50 in savings by paying for things in smaller separate transactions.

We loaded everything up and got to the new locale to find the home owner parked the driveway full so Chuck had to ask them to move a vehicle. They were having a big family dinner and invited us in for dessert. It was 7:20 and we still hadn't emptied the van! He decided we should
go in and meet everyone anyway. Sam, the father and owner, is very sweet and his wife and four adult children and a few grandchildren were delightful but we just couldn't stay for dessert.

We dashed through the unloading and dropped off George. I followed the van in the car and
we put the key in the slot at Uhaul at exactly 8pm! We went off to meet up with George and some other folks after his meeting so we could buy him dinner as thanks for his help.

The next day was spent finishing up the move out, cleaning the carpet and making sure we didn't miss anything from the kitchen. The mattress was gone. Yeah!
Then we went back and emptied the car for the last time and began emptying boxes onto shelves and into drawers as well as finishing up shopping for some last items.

We were both exhausted and didn't have another ounce of energy in us. I came to stay at a hotel for the night and Chuck had his new place to himself finally. He had let me sleep there the first night and I got the bed the second night with him sleeping in a blow-up mattress in the living room. So it was great that we were able to each be on our own last night. His place is a wonderful space now and my only regret is that we didn't take "before" pictures.

In the middle of this weekend of decision-making and work, we had the opportunity to look back at our lives in a formal setting and I think it put this weekend in perspective. It would not have been as much fun or as easy even a year ago to spend this much time together. The stress and pressure to finish and all the decisions that had to be made required mutual respect and appreciation that would have been hard to do earlier.

I am thrilled with the way it (Chuck's new home) turned out and I am thrilled with the way it (our latest mom/son adventure) turned out.

What do you want?

I've been working feverishly lately on my new website: MJKindred.com. After several months
attempting to describe what I want I'm finding I am willing to accept whatever someone else
puts up there just to get down the road. Not that I'm happy with it, but I'd just like to get it
done. Now what's that all about? Certainly I know what I like and don't like but have trouble
not just settling. The site was ok but not really ME. After talking to this very sweet young woman, Annie, on the phone and emailing back and forth for months I felt a responsibility to her and wouldn't just say "no thanks I don't like all the work you've done".

This has come up over the years in other situations and looking back it was the right thing to do for
me to say what I had to say and move on, but I have lost "friends" in doing it several times. The
professional vs friend thing is tough for me. I become friends with the people I work with. It is helpful while dealing with them to keep the waters smooth and it is in my nature to do this. I genuinely like working with others. But it isn't helpful if I am losing out just to avoid confrontation. I tend to think being nice to folks will get the job done easier. Maybe easier but not necessarily better.

My husband, Charles, doesn't see things the way I do. To him these people are working FOR ME. He doesn't get into relationships with just anybody in his world. I am the customer in his mind and I have to tell them what I want, which, incidentally, means I have to know what I want. I have always been able to make do or make things work with whatever shows up in my life. When we have been looking for an apartment to rent or a house to buy I have been willing to settle for most anything. Of course knowing that he will not make a bad decision allows that.
I can nest anywhere and really well and find the challenge exciting to make it "home" no matter the abode.

Lately I have been more aware that I do have preferences and am less willing to settle but apparently am not entirely over that yet. When my daughter and her husband jumped in and
offered to help me out on the website I felt a huge relief and even euphoria over the results and
realized how unsatisfied I had been with the former site. Why didn't I see how important that was before? I avoided hurting Annie, the techy working on it rather than demand what I need. Even saying the word "demand" feels harsh. How interesting. She's getting paid whether I like it or not. I'm sure she won't spend nearly as much time when I fire her as I am thinking about it. How important am I in her world? Yet how much struggling have I caused myself by not taking care of my own needs/desires!

You can't get what you want unless you know what you want and are willing to go for it.
I got what I want. Progress not perfection.