What do you want?

I've been working feverishly lately on my new website: MJKindred.com. After several months
attempting to describe what I want I'm finding I am willing to accept whatever someone else
puts up there just to get down the road. Not that I'm happy with it, but I'd just like to get it
done. Now what's that all about? Certainly I know what I like and don't like but have trouble
not just settling. The site was ok but not really ME. After talking to this very sweet young woman, Annie, on the phone and emailing back and forth for months I felt a responsibility to her and wouldn't just say "no thanks I don't like all the work you've done".

This has come up over the years in other situations and looking back it was the right thing to do for
me to say what I had to say and move on, but I have lost "friends" in doing it several times. The
professional vs friend thing is tough for me. I become friends with the people I work with. It is helpful while dealing with them to keep the waters smooth and it is in my nature to do this. I genuinely like working with others. But it isn't helpful if I am losing out just to avoid confrontation. I tend to think being nice to folks will get the job done easier. Maybe easier but not necessarily better.

My husband, Charles, doesn't see things the way I do. To him these people are working FOR ME. He doesn't get into relationships with just anybody in his world. I am the customer in his mind and I have to tell them what I want, which, incidentally, means I have to know what I want. I have always been able to make do or make things work with whatever shows up in my life. When we have been looking for an apartment to rent or a house to buy I have been willing to settle for most anything. Of course knowing that he will not make a bad decision allows that.
I can nest anywhere and really well and find the challenge exciting to make it "home" no matter the abode.

Lately I have been more aware that I do have preferences and am less willing to settle but apparently am not entirely over that yet. When my daughter and her husband jumped in and
offered to help me out on the website I felt a huge relief and even euphoria over the results and
realized how unsatisfied I had been with the former site. Why didn't I see how important that was before? I avoided hurting Annie, the techy working on it rather than demand what I need. Even saying the word "demand" feels harsh. How interesting. She's getting paid whether I like it or not. I'm sure she won't spend nearly as much time when I fire her as I am thinking about it. How important am I in her world? Yet how much struggling have I caused myself by not taking care of my own needs/desires!

You can't get what you want unless you know what you want and are willing to go for it.
I got what I want. Progress not perfection.