Bookends

In 1989, in Greensburg, Pennsylvania, my home town, my line of one-of-a-kind, art-to-wear sweaters was on display in a solo show. It was at my college Alma Mater, Seton Hill College.
I posted about making these sweaters back in July, 2011. I didn't mention then that the
day after the show was hung I burst into tears talking to someone about it. It wasn't a joyous
event, but rather brought up a great gush of shame and other feelings I couldn't explain at the time.

Over the years I have done many projects from the crocheting to real estate development with my husband which included completely gutting an old building and turning it into a fabulous and highly successful bed and breakfast, and on to decorating several gorgeous homes as well as sewing complete wardrobes of highly tailored clothes for men and women and children. I decorated for charity balls and fund raisers, worked on women's committees of many organizations, raised two wonderful kids, and along the way, dabbled in many artistic endeavors.

In June, 2009 I took a portrait drawing class in Chicago for 10 weeks. It was a charcoal class and I LOVED IT! I have always been able to do a likeness of people with a ball point or felt tip pen and have only ever wanted to draw weathered trees or faces of people. So this class was right up my alley.

The next summer, having drawn portraits of everybody I knew and then some, after spouting some silliness about not being good enough or ready or whatever, I decided to give oil painting a shot. I went to my first class with pastels and asked the instructor if he thought I should just stick to that. He had me do a live model portrait with pastels then gave me a shopping list of paints and brushes to buy for the next week class. That was June, 2010. I haven't stopped since.

I have thrown myself into every single thing that was going on along the way and maybe this is just the latest, but it feels great. I had trouble selling the sweaters back then. It felt like
asking someone to approve of me. That feeling isn't there for me now with the paintings.
The joy of doing this can't be easily put into words but I love showing my work
and am not ashamed to get paid for it.

After all these years of self-searching and doing some really hard work on what makes me
tick, today, when I hung my solo show of oil portrait paintings at City Hall, Ft. Lauderdale, I was
thrilled and filled with gratitude.

Ironically though, it appears I haven't changed the way I stand for a photo.

Big Dave

David died yesterday. He and his wife Shirley have been close friends of ours for many years. There's a saying that goes, "He didn't suffer fools lightly." David called them like he saw them. He wasn't afraid to say what he thought and didn't feel the need to explain himself about his position on a subject. But he was always ready to hear what you thought as well. He acted from principle and you knew you could trust his word.

He was always generous with a compliment and had a ready smile. He was at the same time an ornery practical joker as well as a true blue, always there when needed friend. There are stories of him and the guys who worked for him taking several local black kids of single moms on $200 each shopping trips at Walmart before Christmas at his expense;
or having Shirley go, as recently as a couple of months ago during a cold snap here in Florida, to buy hooded sweatshirts for street people and go with her to distribute them personally while he was struggling with chemo.

He was a remarkable builder and craftsman; he left a huge mark on Dayton with hundreds of wonderful, really well-built gorgeous homes. He treated his work crews like family and the loyalty ran both ways.

Somewhere along the way he was dubbed "Big Dave" and it was truly fitting. He was a big, strong, handsome, striking and some would say rugged individual. His presence showed a confidence based in self-made success and gratitude for his life. He loved his wife and showed it. He worked hard and played just as hard and you knew he did it all with joy.

I have not one negative memory of David. I can hear his laugh and see his mustached grin in my mind's eye and believe he is in the presence of God. I will miss him for the rest of my life.

Tea pot saga

I've been trying to get a tea pot to my son, Chuck, in LA since January 5. Today is February 10.

The first effort was a box I packed myself and sent via UPS from a local UPS store. This isn't what it sounds like though because they are a separate contractor and UPS doesn't consider them one of their own.
There's no way to know that unless you ask. That package got there on time but the tea pot was
shattered. I had $100 insurance on it so we were told to put the box back at the drop off location,
Chuck's landlord's front door, and the driver would pick it up and UPS would review it's condition and I would get a check. That was Friday and Monday was Martin Luther King day. We were told to put it out the following Tuesday for pickup. Unfortunately the driver started attempting to pick it up on Friday and Monday. We didn't know this. So on Tuesday it was put out but it wasn't picked up and that was the final attempt. After three phone calls to get
help they said the driver would attempt it again the next day. No such luck. Then the landlord
took the box in and it never got returned to me.

Fast forward four weeks...I bought another tea pot, had UPS wrap and send it again. It was
to be delivered on Thursday after taking 8 days by ground. The first notation on tracking was
that the suffix was wrong and they had to figure it out. Remember they delivered another box
less than a month ago with the exact same address, which is in their computer and printed by
them. They then sent it out yesterday, Thursday, at 3:15 pm. I had designated that it needed
no signature since Chuck works during the day and the landlord isn't around either to sign for it.
The driver has the authority to decide otherwise and therefore, since no one was there to sign, he
didn't leave it. Another attempt was to occur today. I spent several phone calls with UPS and emails with Chuck last night to decide what to do. We were going to have it held for pick up but it was 14 miles away and in LA when someone works all week that's a real pain. So I requested they re-address it to his work address. The guy on the phone checked to see if he could do that and said it couldn't be done. The only choice was to have it returned to me, or rather to the
"UPS store" from which I sent it. So perhaps by the end of next week I will have it back again.
That will be 7 weeks and about $80 not to mention the aggravation that has been spent on this.

This has become a mission for me. As I said to Chuck, little battles keep the edge sharp. I'm not giving up. There will be a beautiful white tea pot in my son's home even if I have to carry it with
me the next time I visit!

Crying out loud

Walking around Chicago last week there were times when I cried: missing my brother Nick, Aunt Jane, Uncle Jake, my youthful anticipation for what was out ahead of me. Christmas has a unique charm and
drama that lays out a microcosm of memories, both good and bad, to be picked through and fondled like old toys or pressed flowers from lost loves. The fear is if you handle them too much they might turn to dust.
But what good are they if you never take them out of their hiding places. I love all of them. I don't hate any of it. It is as much a part of me as my gray hair and my wrinkled hands. None of it is gone but only wrapped up
inside of me to be redistributed through my heart and my love. Tears can flow for many reasons. Thank God for all of them.

Changes

I've spent the last three days in LA with my son, Chuck. He has been moving into his own place and I am able to help him with searching out what he needs and with the actual move and clean up of the old place. The new location is wonderful: a stand-alone guest house behind a house owned by a nice man and his wife. There is a yard with a gas grill and charming lighting and rose bushes. It has a washer and dryer, living room, bathroom, bedroom and small kitchen and it is in a great area right on a golf course and only a mile to his work! (And in LA that's a big deal.)

Discovering a nearly new pillowtop queen bed was left as well as some other furniture we didn't have to buy was a good start. I could see the possibilities right away and went into my usual mode of nesting. Chuck was all about removing all the "art", etc., left for his use that was totally unacceptable...a big vase with lots of big flowers, bad bed linens, wall art. But there were things he didn't realize could be turned to acceptable...a good, solid bookshelf with "hearts" carved into the sides and top that was eventually covered with a bamboo table runner to cover the hearts; a tall corner shelf unit with some damage on a couple of shelves that need moving and a couple of additions here and there,
a white chest with dings on top that also could be covered by a cool table runner and a great bowl. He had his own good ideas too, and saw that new lamp shades for
a couple of white ginger jar lamps could make them work and he liked the couch except that it needed covering. So our first stop at the new place was to put a bunch of stuff up in the attic and make a list for the first foray to collect what was needed to start the metamorphosis.

I spent several hours at Target getting some basics and scoping out the possibilities. This is right up my alley. Lamp shades, grass table runner, cool metal bowl, bed linens, throw pillows, a sofa cover, picture frames, bath towels, throw rugs were in the first load. Plus I found furniture for Chuck to see when he got out of work. We went back there together and decided on an end table, arm chair, ottoman and a couple of lamps.

Now we had to go to the old place and make a plan. We put the old queen mattress out over the fence behind the house for free to someone on Craig's list. Lifting it over the high fence was a bit tricky but it landed upright against the fence like we planned it! Hope someone takes it.
The next morning we went to a strip of thrift and antique stores with tons of possibilities. We found a gorgeous birch/upholstered arm chair in the window of a great store. I knew it was a great buy and then Chuck sat in it and loved it too. It has very strong lines and masculine fabric.
Then we found a cool dark metal floor lamp for $10! Checking out large area rugs, because he doesn't like the carpeting in the living room, we found a couple of possibilities on this street but
were going to come back when we got the chair to buy anything else.

We had only to get a van rented and load up the books and clothes and kitchen stuff left in the apartment as well as get any furniture and rugs we were buying.
A friend of Chuck, George, a big, gentle vegan musician, came to help with the heavy lifting. We went to the old place and loaded up everything heavy and large: bicycle, trunks, boxes of books, hanging clothes. I had done some recon at Target before hand and had them hold a leather arm chair and round leather ottoman/coffee table but now that we found the wonderful retro birch chair we only wanted the ottoman. We dashed through the store with Chuck making decisions left and right under a deadline of returning the van by 8pm and dropping George off before that. As we checked out, the delightful cashier told us of a promotion giving us $50 in savings by paying for things in smaller separate transactions.

We loaded everything up and got to the new locale to find the home owner parked the driveway full so Chuck had to ask them to move a vehicle. They were having a big family dinner and invited us in for dessert. It was 7:20 and we still hadn't emptied the van! He decided we should
go in and meet everyone anyway. Sam, the father and owner, is very sweet and his wife and four adult children and a few grandchildren were delightful but we just couldn't stay for dessert.

We dashed through the unloading and dropped off George. I followed the van in the car and
we put the key in the slot at Uhaul at exactly 8pm! We went off to meet up with George and some other folks after his meeting so we could buy him dinner as thanks for his help.

The next day was spent finishing up the move out, cleaning the carpet and making sure we didn't miss anything from the kitchen. The mattress was gone. Yeah!
Then we went back and emptied the car for the last time and began emptying boxes onto shelves and into drawers as well as finishing up shopping for some last items.

We were both exhausted and didn't have another ounce of energy in us. I came to stay at a hotel for the night and Chuck had his new place to himself finally. He had let me sleep there the first night and I got the bed the second night with him sleeping in a blow-up mattress in the living room. So it was great that we were able to each be on our own last night. His place is a wonderful space now and my only regret is that we didn't take "before" pictures.

In the middle of this weekend of decision-making and work, we had the opportunity to look back at our lives in a formal setting and I think it put this weekend in perspective. It would not have been as much fun or as easy even a year ago to spend this much time together. The stress and pressure to finish and all the decisions that had to be made required mutual respect and appreciation that would have been hard to do earlier.

I am thrilled with the way it (Chuck's new home) turned out and I am thrilled with the way it (our latest mom/son adventure) turned out.

What do you want?

I've been working feverishly lately on my new website: MJKindred.com. After several months
attempting to describe what I want I'm finding I am willing to accept whatever someone else
puts up there just to get down the road. Not that I'm happy with it, but I'd just like to get it
done. Now what's that all about? Certainly I know what I like and don't like but have trouble
not just settling. The site was ok but not really ME. After talking to this very sweet young woman, Annie, on the phone and emailing back and forth for months I felt a responsibility to her and wouldn't just say "no thanks I don't like all the work you've done".

This has come up over the years in other situations and looking back it was the right thing to do for
me to say what I had to say and move on, but I have lost "friends" in doing it several times. The
professional vs friend thing is tough for me. I become friends with the people I work with. It is helpful while dealing with them to keep the waters smooth and it is in my nature to do this. I genuinely like working with others. But it isn't helpful if I am losing out just to avoid confrontation. I tend to think being nice to folks will get the job done easier. Maybe easier but not necessarily better.

My husband, Charles, doesn't see things the way I do. To him these people are working FOR ME. He doesn't get into relationships with just anybody in his world. I am the customer in his mind and I have to tell them what I want, which, incidentally, means I have to know what I want. I have always been able to make do or make things work with whatever shows up in my life. When we have been looking for an apartment to rent or a house to buy I have been willing to settle for most anything. Of course knowing that he will not make a bad decision allows that.
I can nest anywhere and really well and find the challenge exciting to make it "home" no matter the abode.

Lately I have been more aware that I do have preferences and am less willing to settle but apparently am not entirely over that yet. When my daughter and her husband jumped in and
offered to help me out on the website I felt a huge relief and even euphoria over the results and
realized how unsatisfied I had been with the former site. Why didn't I see how important that was before? I avoided hurting Annie, the techy working on it rather than demand what I need. Even saying the word "demand" feels harsh. How interesting. She's getting paid whether I like it or not. I'm sure she won't spend nearly as much time when I fire her as I am thinking about it. How important am I in her world? Yet how much struggling have I caused myself by not taking care of my own needs/desires!

You can't get what you want unless you know what you want and are willing to go for it.
I got what I want. Progress not perfection.

random thoughts

Here are some random thoughts I've had on comments from my son's blog and from things I've read in books and online. Quotes from other sources are in italics.

"I think the scariest part of being human is the best part of being human. When I tap into what makes me Chuck, it is really scary and very enlivening. It’s the deepest kind of pleasure I’ve ever had, and every area in which I am still blocked comes up in an instant." Chuck Kindred
Pleasure is so personal and so precious. My greatest pleasures nearly always come after great pain/growth.


"Taking care of myself is not doing things that make me feel good. It’s doing the things that will take care of me. Comfort is not a virtue. Actions against my will are the most important ones." Chuck Kindred
For years I wasn't doing things that would take care of me. Once I started, though painful and often terrifying, I have not stopped going down this road.
Comfort is not a virtue but I believe I am meant to live a life with joy in it. It's not a virtue but it is a blessing.
I am comfortable in my life. I am not afraid for my safety or security. It hasn't always been that way.
My life thus far has allowed me to crawl out into the sunshine and give.
A virtue is defined as "a positive trait". There are people who live very comfortable lives who are not virtuous and
those who live in squalor and who yet demonstrate great virtue.
God wants me to do good things. Being poor doesn't make it more or less possible to do good things.
It's about virtue, not stuff. Comfort is about peace not stuff.
"The ideals which have always shone before me and filled me with the joy of living are goodness, beauty and truth. To make a goal of comfort or happiness has never
appealed to me;a system of ethics built on this basis would be sufficient only for a herd of cattle." - Albert Einstein


"Isolation:
(psychiatry) an unconscious process that tries to reduce the anxiety associated with instinctive desires"
Reducing the anxiety is the entire purpose of all the defense mechanisms I have honed over my lifetime.*


"Devil's advocacy for me is not so much about the point I'm making as it is about regulating how connected and happy the group is." Chuck Kindred
*I have been accused of being a great debater. I find it easier to argue than admit I feel frightened. By arguing, I put myself in the position of
controlling (regulating) the situation. I run the dialogue, and the show, so we won't go where I don't want to go.


"The length of a person’s attention span is directly related to the intensity of his hunger for something."
I've been working on myself for decades. I hunger for clarity about what the f--k I'm all about. I love it.


"Well aren't you just the most adorable black hole of need!" -Maxine, the cartoon


"In the Bible, crying out refers to speaking audibly with great emotion concerning an urgent need.
It takes both faith and humility to share our heart’s concern aloud.....
By calling upon Him with such urgency, we lay down our pride and any attitude of self-sufficiency" from the "Jesus Daily" newsletter

Sounds like an ad for Core Energetics to me.