Je ne regrette rien

I spent 7 hours in the car on the way to visit my Mom and sister the other day.
At first I called everybody I could. Then I started listening to my I-pod on shuffle.
My thoughts wandered with the music. Beethoven reminded me of the movie Immortal Beloved.
Marvin Gaye and the Temptations and the Supremes brought up lots of feelings and reminders of
my college and Denver years. I have the sound track from Goodfellas and that takes me from
childhood through Layla and Eric Clapton. Then there is the powerful, rasp of Edith Piaf singing
"Non, je ne regrette rien" ("No, I regret nothing") from World War II and Tom Waits with his equally raspy voice
and his haunting, earthy laments and lyrics.
My emotions swooped up and down with these songs...is that not what the music is supposed to do?
I re-felt longings and sadness; the thrills of young love and the fears and sorrows of life alone and lonely.
Tears ran down my face with some of the words revisited or with the truth I now understand from those words:
"I regret nothing!!", "Where the boys are, someone waits for me", "Why can't you be good to me?", "You're simply the best",
"I'm a creep", "Everybody hurts", "I ain't that lonely yet"."When you're falling behind in this big blue world, you gotta hold on, take my hand, stand right there...", "Let's stay together", "Ain't no devil, it's just God when he's drunk";
and then there is the heart-throbbing music of the Promontory of The Last of the Mohicans and the theme from Lawrence of Arabia;
Nessun Dorma sung by Paul Potts, the theme from A Summer Place and all of Beethoven.

One of the overarching themes I noticed was how much I long for the "man" energy in the world. All the important men
in my life get thrown into a stew of dark brooding and simpering melodrama, starting with my Dad.
In looking back on my trip I found I could have sat in that maudlin place and spent hours feeling blue. I didn't. I had a comforting awareness I never really clarified before. This feeling of longing is so primal and not about
any man in particular, or rather it is about all men. It is all about me, grasping and needy.
No one person can ever fill the need...it is a "God-shaped hole".

Dear Brian

How many people are there whom you can say have left no negative memory in your life?
That is what I would say about my dear friend Brian who recently died. He has left
a great and positive mark on me. I never talked to him without laughing at least once or without feeling better for having done so.

Over the last thirty five years he has followed us and kept in touch no matter what has
been going on in either of our lives. We shared all the scares and fears and joys and pains of the issues of parenthood, marriage, health, finances and just plain life along the way. He made the effort to never lose the connection. I am grateful that he felt we were worth that effort. I am grateful to have known him.

I will miss him for the rest of my life.

"There you are!"

I've been seeing many women who are probably my age still in the work force, often waiting tables or clerking in retail. It isn't possible to express the gratitude I have for the life I am able to live now. If I had to list the things for which I am grateful that would be way up there.

Many years ago I started making designer, art-to-wear sweaters. That was back in the 80's when flashy, expensive goods like that were a big hit. I developed my own way of crocheting, not holding the hook in a traditional manner and not following patterns, but building each item as I went along.
It was thrilling to create something lovely, and the fact that others wanted to buy them made it even more exciting.



I was struggling with the residue of menopause several years ago. I tried crocheting sweaters for kids and dogs, just for fun and even put together a website. I now have a great collection that are being used up as gifts for friends and family.



Today I am grateful for the freedom I have to learn portrait painting...something I have always thought was out of my reach. I knew I had talent to capture a person's features and did many felt tip pen drawings over the years. But when I was young oil painting was too expensive, and later I just didn't think of it as a possibility. After taking a portrait drawing class a couple of years ago and doing well, I took a shot at it last summer. It has become one of the most fulfilling things I have ever done. Painting is a very personal experience. I find there are moments when I see what I have done and it is shocking. In learning how the paints and brushes perform it isn't uncommon to come across effects that take my breath away. And there are moments when I am trying to find the person I am painting when they are suddenly there...their essence appears. "There you are!" Nothing compares to that moment.
It is worth seeking and I am unspeakably grateful for the talent God has given me
and the chance to explore it.

Here's looking at you, kid!

I've been spending a lot of time with our grandson lately. He's almost nineteen months old and so bright and energetic as is typical for this age that it takes constant attention and energy to be responsible for him. He is curious about the slightest details and watches for my reaction to his questioning looks and attempts at pushing the boundaries of acceptable actions a thousand times a day. Any period of silence outside of nap time presents a possible intrigue which must be investigated. He has a longer attention span now and can play with everyday items endlessly. Given a few simple things he can make a game for himself that allows him to see how things move or fall over or make noise or roll across the floor. He loves a physical challenge: climbing on things that would be daunting to us if we were faced with something as proportionally huge; trying to open or close things or lift and carry things that are twice his weight; testing the strength of a cardboard box to see what it will bear. It is a great joy to see how he thinks.

It occurred to me the other day how important it is to have someone there watching you when you need reassurance about your next move. It is important for this little person to know he will be ok if he takes that next step or touches something. He needs to be told "no" when his safety is at stake and he needs to know someone is watching to give him a big "yes" when he breaks new ground doing something he's tried to do many times before and is now finally successful, or to congratulate him when he has learned a valuable lesson to avoid danger.

How many youngsters do not have this? How often does a little boy or girl look around for an answer to "should I do this?" or "is it safe?" or a smile for "See, I got it!" and find no one there to see the question in their eyes? What happens in a little one's mind when nobody is watching? He has to make decisions all day long. He must find out on his own what leads to pain or a good feeling. What does learning he is on his own tell him?
If no one is watching when he gets hurt, does it hurt more for lack of reassurance and love?
When he does something that feels good does it need to be kept secret so no one will take it away? How often does he have to get hurt before he realizes no one is noticing and he has to take care of himself? How long does it take until he knows what the risks are? Does he understand the consequences of hurting someone else if no one stops him when he does it? How does he get to a place of tenderness if he doesn't have it shown to him? How does he find joy if no one mirrors it for him?

I am afraid for all the children who have little or no attention given them as they travel through their early days. We all have a little voice inside that tells us right from wrong, but when does
that start? Did we know the difference before someone told us? Does a child have the ability, left unattended, to come up with the right answers? I think they need to be shown and have the rights and wrongs of life taught to them. They need to have someone who loves them and who SEES them. They need to be seen and to know someone is watching so when they are testing limits someone is there with the answers. Maybe that is what makes lonely kids living in a society of violence and fear follow the strong among themselves, and therefore look for the one or ones who can show them how to make "good" choices, i.e. how to survive.

I am grateful to be able to share in the raising of this precious little soul. I even like the word to describe this activity...raising. What a lovely thought. It is truly lifting him up to the light and love in the world. The opportunity to be part of this at this age and the perspective that gives allows me to surrender to the process with joy. When raising my own children I wasn't nearly as aware and awestruck, and certainly didn't have the sense of humor about all the messes and shows of willfulness. I get to see my daughter, his mother, in some of his gestures: his ability to do things so delicately with his tiny fingers, his completely consuming laughter, his beautiful curly hair. The stubborn, I-can-do-this-myself!!!! that show his strong backbone and will to succeed are a reminder of my son at this age. They are both still a joy for me to watch to this very day. Was I as watchful then as I am for this little boy now? There is, I think, a difference when done with the eyes of a grandparent. Neither is better than the other, and I am grateful for both and especially grateful to have the opportunity of both.

I get to be a part of preparing my little grandson for his life!
I get to hold his hand for just this little while and swoon when he looks to me for what I can give. It is a blessing for both of us.

No free lunch!

I buy you lunch. We are friends and you drove today so I feel it is fair, with the cost of gas, that I pick up your lunch tab. We both feel fine with this transaction.
But what if I buy you lunch every Friday even when I drive myself. Do you think you start expecting it? Now let's say I ask you to drive me to the airport at 5 am. Would you be able to
say no?

When the government gives a person something, the initial intention may just be to help when someone is in a tight spot. (This is the kind of thing that mostly churches and charitable organizations and good neighbors used to do.)
When someone is willing to give you something you should ask why. Government has no money unless it takes it from someone. So when it takes from one and gives to another it is to gain power over both. The side effect is resentment of the givers against the government for taking what they have earned and of the receivers against those who have more than they perceive themselves to have. This sets up the government as benevolent and compassionate, when in fact it is simply controlling both groups by using them against each other and using
their money and freedom to do so.

If I buy your lunch with money I took from my neighbor, to whom would you say thank you?
You don't know my neighbor so you wouldn't thank him? What if he needs the money for his own lunch? What do I get out of this? If I call you to take me to the airport at 5 am wouldn't you feel obliged to take me? So I get a benefit without it costing ME anything. You are beholden to me and I only had to be willing to take the money from someone else to get the benefit.

Now if government takes from someone else and gives it to you, don't you feel beholden to
government? You don't think about the neighbor who gave government the money you are receiving. You think of the government as the source of the money and that you
don't have to do anything except keep the same government in place to keep the money coming. This makes you dependent on government and not too likely to be able to
change things. Isn't that the definition of slavery?

Where is the incentive to work for the money? This kind of thinking is simply deadly. When you are willing to give up being responsible for taking care of yourself you are giving up your freedom to make your own way and your own choices. You simply survive when you are not providing for yourself. Surely there is the possibility of making mistakes but you learn from mistakes. The chance that you will improve life for yourself and your family is not likely if you don't have control. And how can you have control if you are not earning for yourself? The guy with the money makes the rules. And even if you are one of those making the money, government takes a large chunk of it from you to give to your neighbor who will not be thanking you.

The best way for all of us to live to the maximum is for each of us to be allowed to make our own choices leaving government to only the jobs intended by the Constitution. We have forgotten that government under our Constitution does not have the power to allow us to do things, but has our permission to do only certain things. And we are not teaching that to our children with any real clarity or they would be furiously screaming about what they face in their future.

We must make choices about everyday issues, such as what to eat, what to buy, what to listen to, what to say, what to wear, what to believe, where we may go and where we may take a risk, then we will be risk-takers and free-thinkers and self-sufficient citizens again. The threats of law suits and regulation handcuff us and take away our initiative before we can begin a path of discovery or invention. Currently government has tightened down on us to keep us needing or being used to help support the needy. It is stifling for both: it stifles the spirit of the needy by making them believe they can't take care of themselves, thus enslaving them; and it stifles the enthusiasm of the others who know they will only get to keep a very small portion of what they reap, no where near what they sow, and therefore feeling foolish for striving.

The American spirit which is the reason we are the
greatest system of government in the history of the world is trying to regain the footing of years past. We are chafing at the restraints and encumbrances that have grown on us like barnacles.
The weight of it all has become too much and we are finally saying NO MORE. The "correctness" of the past few decades has choked us from saying so but we still believe in America and will not apologize for her. I believe that there are enough of us around who still remember the way we used to feel and long for that again. It won't be easy and it won't be fast. My generation had a huge part in the breakdown of our values and principles. I so want to be of the generation that pulls us back from the edge of decline and ignites the renewal of our great Nation.

"What big teeth you have"

The latest laughable lunacy coming out of Washington is the idea that it would be possible to sit the Palestinians down across the table from the Israelis to make a deal when the former has as a dance
partner the big bad wolf and the latter is constantly saying "What big teeth you have" to no avail.
Does no one care that a widely known terrorist organization is not even hiding behind the scenes
anymore but is right there at the table with dripping jaws? This organization has sworn to the total destruction of Israel and the Jews of the world and who thinks of this destruction as the first step in the end of the Western way of life...that includes us, folks.

Would we be willing to sit down with whoever steps into the shoes of Osama bin Laden and discuss America's Mexican border if he made a pact with Mexico and announced to the world that our total destruction was his goal? And we are a big, powerful country
with many resources and a huge population. Israel is so vulnerable and tiny it boggles the mind
to imagine how they can sleep at night knowing what the neighbors think of them.

We used to live in a neighborhood where our family history went back four generations with people we thought of as friends. We were involved in a simple incident which caused a great disturbance among all the residents of the association.
Sides were taken and we were on the outside for the most part. There were only a few people
who supported us and heard our side and didn't forget all the history we had there of friendship and citizenship. Those people received disrespect because they supported us and some also paid the price down the road by being poorly treated themselves.
I remember the churning stomach I had just walking to my car. There was a fear of running into someone with whom I used to go to church or play tennis or sit on the beach and visit with for hours. I knew all their children and they
ours for several generations. But now they were in a lather and went to
association meetings or in gatherings in the neighborhood doing everything possible to punish us for what they found unacceptable. Now we are talking about a trifle here,
not possible annihilation. But the anxiety of being so disliked and mistreated for no good reason
except a disagreement of opinion by people I used to truly care about made me unwilling to ever trust any of them again. I
felt I had to protect myself from contact with them as much as possible and simply acted with the minimum of courtesy. I found it nearly impossible to act differently; they had proven themselves a danger to me and especially to my family and I couldn't let them in. Like the big bad wolf.

This is hardly a perfect parallel with the Israeli conflict but I try to imagine the fear and pain of living with the constant anxiety of knowing others are irrational about something you cannot
change and who wish to do you harm. To expect Israelis to simply let those who hate them have whatever they want is not a solution and can not be acceptable to any thinking person. That would be a step once again toward the destruction of Jews everywhere...which we saw
in Germany and nearly all of Europe only a few short years ago. And we must not give in to
that hatred. Good and evil do exist. "America is great because America is good"
can not be just a slogan. It must be who we are. The wolf is at the door right now. Be sure of it. He is a hungry beast and he's on the move. God help us stop him.

relate

Origin:

Latin relātus, superlative past participle of referre to carry back (see refer)

Carry what? Back where? To a place you've been before. That's the implication, that it's returning to a former place or previous time.
Relating to another person is trying to touch a familiar spot in them that you know from before they arrived in your presence. A place you already know
because now you are being carried back to something and that is only possible if you were already there. How are you being carried? On the wings of the dove.
On the filament of a silver thread, to quote Robert A. Johnson. It is the way we can touch another person. It is the way they can touch us. Being willing to hold
on to the thread is all that is necessary to be carried back.

In order to be in relationship I must be willing to be carried back to a place that is not right here and now. I must open up to looking at my history and carry them back to that place to show them where I have been and to see the commonality I have with them. To expose what got me here to another. Only in this
way are we able to make a connection, to relate. (Some 5th Step work here, but that's about our wrongs and this is bigger than that. This is about all of it.)

But going back there is not always easy to remember and not always pleasant. Nor is it an easy place to take a visitor. There are risks here and they
are not small. The implication of the word "carry" suggests weight; the weight of the load we haul when going back.
We must also be willing to be carried back to that place in them.

The word Namaste is a way of expressing it: "The gesture Namaste represents the belief that there is a Divine spark within each of us that is located in the heart chakra. The gesture is an acknowledgment of the soul in one by the soul in another." I read a book by
Ram Das years ago and in the front it says namaste means, "I honor that place in you that when you are in that place in you and I am in that place in me we are one."

In relating we are seeking to unite. We share with another from our treasury.